Having a van is awesome but when people find out you have one their reaction varies from "Wow!" to "Ohhh". I've met both types. When I tell them that I live in it sometimes their reaction varies from "Awesome!" to nervously backing away from me. It's a great filter in life!
I'll definitely do more posts on Vanny (that's the name of my van) but for now just know I have a van! AND I sometimes live in it 🥳
Well, I'm not going to lie, that last time I put serious effort into my writing life was 2012. Around December of that year I was walking to the parking garage after work and noticed that there were Christmas lights decorating the shops and streets on my walk back to my car. It was the first time in my life that I didn't get excited about the lights. I've always gotten excited like a little kid and for some reason, possibly because of sheer exhaustion I no longer cared that night as I walked to my car. I noticed this change immediately and took note that that wasn't normal. No matter what I was going thorugh in my life I always looked forward to the end of the year and all the twinkling Christmas lights they always evoked such magic for me. But for whatever reason, not that night. I just staggered to my car and drove home. From that point forward my internal creative light just sort of dimmed as well. I struggled to finish the current novel I was working on and it took me another 2 years to complete it. I'll go into more of what I think may have happened but in 2012 I turned 40 yrs old and I think the fact that I still wasn't a published writer kinda broke me and I had a bit of a tramatic response to that.
Anywho, I've done a bunch of little writting throughout the last 10 years but nothing compared to what I was producing previous to 2012 and last night I decided enough is enough. I'm either going to pick up what's left of my writing life or completely abandon it. So last night I started a new novel titled "A Bunny Cage" so far I'm thinking it's going to be a collection of short stories, but it feels like a cyberpunk novel...We will see how this all goes. Last night I wrote 1000 words. I haven't come close to that in 10 years
For some reason I suddenly remembered _why today. I think someone made a reference about Ruby in a meeting. I looked him up and found they made a little documentary about him.
If you've never heard of _why (aka why the luck stiff) he was an artist whose medium was the Ruby programming language. He was an A-List celebrity in the Ruby world in the early 2000's. I don't want to spoil it for you but he is definitely an interesting character.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64anPPVUw5U
So I got up this morning and my wife and I talked while we were still alone for the morning. It wasn't the best rehearsed speech I've ever done, but I felt like I made my point that I needed to intervene for the health of the family. She listened and said she freaked herself out and was definitely not going to be doing any crazy shit like that anymore. And was open to getting therapy online at first. All in strides they say. So we came to an agreement and went on with our day. I stayed at home and worked remotely for the day to keep cleaning between my zoom meetings. Things were fine, the kids came home, the house was clean-ish and that was that. Of course this will be an ongoing situation of mutual respect, healing and frustration on both parts but we did it! We made it through a tough conversation making sure to remember that we are each other's best friend.
I learned that no matter how much experience you have with these situations they never get easier, but they make us grow. But they're hard - hard in the sense that you have to pull the other person apart to get to the pieces that are hurting the other person. And they don't always understand why. Then you retreat and feel completely exhausted hoping your words didn't inflict unintentional damage.
On a lighter note I discovered Trader Joe's Oat + Brown Sugar coffee creamer...and I poured a little in my coffee and then I took a sip and umm whoa.... then I looked back at the container of creamer.... then back to my coffee and then....welp I drank the entire carton of creamer right then!! ALL OF IT! I AM NOT ASHAMED OF ANYTHING 😂 I WILL DO IT AGAIN!!
So I'm at work today and because of the pandemic and the state of things there are not many people who show up to the office which I love because I can actually focus and get things done. So I'm just grinding away at my desk and realize it's time to go home. So I pack up my stuff and head to my car and I take the long way home with all the pretty trees. My wife txt's me and say the microwave broke and to grab food on the way home if I want to. So I stop by Trader Joe's and get one of their awesome chicken pesto wraps sooo good! I'm kinda tired from the day and decide to eat in my car and relax for a few minutes and watch everyone honk and flip each other off in the Trader Joe's parking lot. soo relaxing haha.
Once the chaos in the parking lot quiets down I make a break for it and tear ass out of the parking lot before people start going crazy again. I make my way home and even find a parking spot pretty close to my apartment so I don't have to walk the usual 2 blocks back home. I actually enjoy the walk from the car to my place but not tonight I was still feeling the effects of last night's 'gettin a lil high'. gotta say that brand of edibles hit me hard. Usually I just fall asleep and don't feel a thing but these were a little different and kept me up for a while and then they hit real hard and I almost fell into the wall as I was making my way to bed. But I managed to play it cool so my wife didn't know I was high as fuck.
So I walk from my car to my place, open the door and am immediately a little worried. There are large black pieces of ash floating around and the floor in covered in soot. There is water all over the kitchen floor and dark burn marks on the lenlioum floor in the kitchen.... I don't smell smoke so whatever happened did so a while ago. I then remember my wife saying the microwave didn't work so I assumed it may have caught something on fire. I go into the bedroom and my wife says "Don't panic but we had a little fire". I ask if it was from the microwave but then I realize there are a pile of empty grocery bags in the middle of the main room of the apartment. "No I was burning the trash and a bag caught on fire pretty fast so I grabbed it and threw it in the sink and turned the water on it". then I realized her hands had bandages over them. She explained she burned her hands while putting the fire out. Her finger tips were bright red with blisters on them. So I get my things ready to take her to either the ER or immediate medical care. But she said she was feeling a lot better and the swelling was going down.
Now let me take a moment to fill you in with a little context here. My wife has pretty significant wellness issues specifically with throwing garbage out. She likes to collect it and go through it to make sure nothing of value gets thrown away. This isn't really as crazy as it sounds because I've already thrown away $200 in cash and our rent check in the past so double checking the garbage isn't so crazy. What is crazy is that over the past year she has gotten really intense about it and has gone out to the garbage and dragged it back in after I threw it away. Too much to really get into her but lets just say it's been a huge issue and caused a massive amount of stress over the last 2 years.
So tonight it has become apparent that whatever this issue she's having has now crossed into dangerous territory in that she is clearly willing to put herself and others in danger. I have 2 kids living at home who were in their room while this fire was raging 10 feet away from them. They're in high school and have no problem jumping out their bedroom window (we're on the 1st floor) and they do it all the time because they're teenagers and that's what teenagers do. But not only that there are other families in this complex who have no idea what's going on and that the entire complex was about 2 minutes away from being burned down.
So now I'm in the kitchen and other room cleaning everything up. There are trash bags everywhere from all the garbage she was planning on going through. And as I'm cleaning and vacuuming and sweeping and trying not to freak out on my wife my older daughter walks in sees what has happened and grabs my 2 daughters and takes them to her apartment without a word. She lives 15 minutes down the street.
At this point all this kinda hits me as to the enormity of the situation. Like for the first time I realize my wife is actually a danger to other people and she's sitting in the other room with her hands bandaged. Christ! Do I call child services? Do I call the cops? Do I leave? All these things are racing through my head and I'm seeing how the linoleum floor is melted in a few spots. Like this was a legit fire and I'm shocked the neighbors didn't run over and ask what the fuck was going on. So there are I'm frantically cleaning everything and BAM I'm hit with crazy heart issue that I've had for a while. I just went to the cardiologist to get it looked at and he said everything was "good" but to keep the stress way down. Well uhh yeah apartment fires with kids living there is not a good way to keep the stress down. At this point things were pretty cleaned up. I took all the loose garbage and got it into 10 large trash bags and left them in the kitchen. The kids were safe at my daughter's house and the swelling on my wife hands had significantly gone down. But now I was having a pretty big issue with my heart going into A-Fib. Lovely so off to the gym I went but I knew they were closing in an hour so I had to hurry but of course when my heart is all screwy I get light headed (yes, bad) I get to the gym and start doing the elliptical and tracking my heart with my ECG app on my Apple Watch that my wife got me for these situations. and at 1 point my heart was up to 225 BPM and it should have been around 70 BPM. so I hop on the elliptical and go as fast as I can for 2 minutes and my heart snaps back into rhythm. I stand there sweating profusely and the guy next to me is kinda looking at me at how did I get so sweaty in 2 minutes ...ah the magic of Afib! so I stepped off the elliptical and stood there for another 5 minutes to make sure my heart didn't freak out again. Everything is good! So I stammer out of the gym and the guy behind the counter says "have a great night!" and I do everything I can to not flip him the Bird.
And so here I am back home. Things are calm now and my wife looks a little scared and quiet. This is the hard part in life. This is part where I must intervene at all costs. For my kids safety, for my wife's safety and even my own. This is the part where I have to sit down with her and have a big talk. I don't know what direction things are going to take, but I do know this can never happen again. To say we got lucky tonight is an understatement. Now I have to do what I have to do because a dangerous line has been crossed. This is where I have to stand between my wife and my kids to protect everyone involved.
Welp fuck...tomorrow is not going to be fun
For some reason, over the last few years I've been getting really stressed out. I mean yeah, the pandemic definitely caused a part of that, but overall my stress seemed to come out of nowhere. I'd be driving home and just constantly felt like I had to go 100 mph and over take every car on the road just so I could get home, but then when I got home I didn't want to be there because home life was in a weird place. Full disclosure, I've got kids and a wife and a dog and another dog and a bunny named "Mr Bunny". We all live in a small 2 bedroom apartment in Los Angeles (yeah L.A the place I love and hate but need to leave because of the insanely high cost of living). To say it's been a challenge....yes 😅 Anyway, the stress was coming from everywhere and I didn't feel like I had a good way of dealing with it. Work was crazy stressful, the cost of living, the uncertainty of tomorrow, the realization that I was really at an age where I could get fired from my job for some obscure reason. My oldest daughter moved out into an apartment with a few friends and that seemed to help the stress, but I just couldn't shake it. I was constantly freaking out on everyone about money and everything. So one day I went driving around the LA Airport and discovered a weed dispensary. This wasn't something new, I have a colorful past with weed but after high school I never bothered to pursue it because it was illegal back in the day. Well, until I went to Boulder CO a few years ago and bought some edibles, thinking that would be a good place to start again. Well, being at an age where I am both near and farsighted (because life is funny like that!) I couldn't read the label on the package of the edibles and took half the bag. 45 minutes later I thought Jody Foster was in my hotel room standing right behind me and every time I turned around I thought I could see her for a split second. So I kept looking behind me for like 2 hours thinking I could see her 😂 Then I was convinced my heart had mysteriously grown outside of my chest and so I needed to lay down so I could die. Yep it was a hell of a night! And I seriously thought I was going to die in a run down hotel on the outskirts of Denver. But I promised if I did survive the night that I was going to do more edibles (see the logic there? if I live I was going to do more drugs! haha I have no idea either!) well I did survive the night, and felt amazing the next day - no stress. all the colors were vibrant and, by god, was I relaxed. So fast forward to now. I'm sitting in my closet (long story but I'm a bit of a recluse and like to hide from my family for long periods of time) but here I am living up to my promise.
That dispensary near the airport is perfect. It's right next to an upscale Gelato shop where all the "I think I'm rich" people hang out holding their expensive iPhones likes its another appendage and wag it every which way when they talk. There are a couple other bullshit boutique stores that sell custom made socks for $100 so you can image the clientele roaming the sidewalks. I come barreling down the sidewalk wearing my 8 year old torn sweatshirt and ripped jeans I bought from Target on the bargain rack. I've got a mostly gray beard and wear a baseball cap I bought from 7-Eleven for $3. So when people see me coming they usually look at me trying to figure out if I've got money and just cosplay as a bum, or if I'm an actual bum. There's actually a social movement? maybe not the right word but people in L.A who have lots of money try to hide it - so they drive around in old ass toyota corolla's and wear clothes they bought at WalMart. So the way you can tell if people are cosplaying as someone who is barely making it is that they always have 1 identifying physical trait that let's the rich people know they aren't actually broke. Usually they have bleached teeth or carry 2 phones, 1 iPhone (max/pro/latest) and a cheap ass Android from Boost Mobile. Not kidding this shit goes down. So these people cruise around pretending they're broke and will stroll into a high end boutique or wherever and smile then wave their phone around to signal that they have money. But then when they are in the "rougher" parts of town they pull out the $50 Android and keep their mouth closed. They have other physiological hacks too, but the point I'm trying to make and it's taking me forever to make this point because I'm high - is that I am broke and am going into this dispensary because I need drugs to survive this crazy beautiful life. Ok so now I'm not sure I'm making any sense because I think I'm getting pretty high off of that 1 edible....
yeah I think I'm going to end it here
and crawl into bed
because it's Monday night and I have work tomorrow and I'm not sure how I feel about all that
For a long time now I've been wanting to set up a YouTube channel with all the videos I've made over the years but it just doesn't seem like something I really really want to do. I love making the videos but I don't like the idea of someone I know discovering them. Then of course there's the matter of comments of which become a cesspool of human depravity. And so I've keep them stored on my external drive and watch them when the internet goes out (which happens a lot).
I've been following Simply Lesa's blog and she really got me excited about blogging again - not that I was ever doing it regularly but I loved doing it. She has both a blog and now publishes YouTube videos and I really like that style, like a few vids and a few blogs every once in a while. That's the format that Guburly Hurely (my favorite X-YouTuber) did. So I kinda thought that'd be cool way to approach all of this, but then without the videos (haha!) so just blogging.
Most of my videos are just vlogs of me sitting in the car drinking coffee. Although the last year I've been working on getting out of this godforsaken Rat Race and into van life. I have an idea of how to make that jump and I'll definitely be posting a lot more of that. So more of my vlogs lately have been me in Vanny (yay!!) Oh, right - yes that's an important point I suppose - I do in fact have an old van, so making videos about van life without an actual van would be awesome for a little while until it wasn't 😆 but I just sit in my awesome van and dream about how cool it's going to be. And so this blog is going to be about that journey, and a journey it will be.
Ooops the dogs are barking
and people are calling my name
gotta run
talk soon!
wow! ok so I managed to lose my login to this blog yet again! but I think I've finally figured it out. Anywho I've been doing a lot of reading on Blogger (hehe! I mean Blogspot) and came across a few really cool old school blogs which made me want to get back into my old blogs and keep them updated (well, 1 every 4 months isn't bad, right?) so here I am and I have absolutely no cohesion on what I'm writing about so anything goes. I really wanted to log into a super old blog I created in 2004 but it's so old Blogger doesn't know what to do about it. But if I can back into it I'm going to move over to that one because its so f'ing retro. Anyway just another quick blog now that I've finally written down my login info (that only took 10 years)
I don't know where to start.... its been 7 years since my last post!! I lost my password but then just found an old android that had the password stored on it so here we go! No idea how to update the last almost decade but I won't worry about that now 😂 I just wanted to say HELLO!!!!